*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
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If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat