*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
You Might Also Like
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
It has been 3 years since Monday.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”