Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.