Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

Pickled cat.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

A tragic love story in two pictures.

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows