[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
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Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.