[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
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Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.