Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

PER MY LAST EMAIL

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

Air pods looking like an angry frog

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

Somedays I just love AI so much

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

my dad when a sex scene comes on

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

My last name is Zilla.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]