ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
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I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.