ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
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My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.