Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]