Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
when someone rings the doorbell
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave