Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
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Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine