Essential oils? You mean WD40?
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he’ll never suspect a thing
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.