Essential oils? You mean WD40?
You Might Also Like
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?