Essential oils? You mean WD40?
You Might Also Like
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?