Essential oils? You mean WD40?
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I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I’m aging like a fine banana
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile