Essential viewing in these troubled times.
You Might Also Like
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
One of the best
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.