establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
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The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Worth a try
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.