establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
You Might Also Like
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
For the orator and chef in all of us
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.