establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
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hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
😂🐈⬛
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.