establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
You Might Also Like
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
fly smarter, not harder
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.