Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

Barbie gone wild

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen