Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
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Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT