Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
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i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
dril cadence
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar