establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
You Might Also Like
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
one last job
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
🤣🤣💀
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”