establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up