establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
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My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf