Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
what day is it?
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.