Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.