Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
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What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass