Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I bet birds love this building.
![]()
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Breaking news:
![]()
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My birth announcement for our third baby
![]()
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭