Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

#MeanwhileinCanada

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.