Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
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You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
❤️❤️❤️
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.