Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
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Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.