Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?