Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

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me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee


Me: goodnight son I love you.


Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*


FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*


I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.


My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.


Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?

Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea


*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”


her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?


TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again