Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
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No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
#Caturday
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.