me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
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Me: goodnight son I love you.
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
*ref blows whistle*
Whistle: oh, oh god, wow. Oh geeeze
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?
Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again