Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
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When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Only short people can save us
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.