Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
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There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!