Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
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i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country