Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
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i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
these can’t be my only options
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me