Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
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Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Seems a bit forward
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic