Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
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5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.
One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.
The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”
I’m not sorry.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.