Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

Mad Max Arctic Road