Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.