Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*