establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
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Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
They’re the worst 😩
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Me, in DM rooms…
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe