Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

According to math, I’m broke

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.