Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

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The Chosen Phew

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.