Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.
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If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.