Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.
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Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
