Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

This could be us, but you weedin’.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.