Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

necessity is the mother of invention

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.