Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

wtf is a larm clock?

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.