Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.