Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

Tastes like chicken.

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.