Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
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Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[eulogy]
line?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
feetloaf
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy