@LoveNLunchmeat

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

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@JB4Realz

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

@ColoradoCrow

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

@DumbConfessions

[in Paris]

Will you have sex with me?

“No monsieur.”

Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.

@ericsshadow

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

@Cheeseboy22

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

@HomeWithPeanut

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

@TragicAllyHere

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

@ObscureGent

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

@theroyaltramp

You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.

@stockejock

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁