Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
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I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”