Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
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I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Worth the read.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.