Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.