Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
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So inspired right now.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Is your wife single?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body