Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
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Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
this was very charming
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
The “baby” on the left….
