Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
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If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
how long have you had this for?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.