Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
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People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
new shirt idea
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?