Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
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Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?