Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
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Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally