Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

who’s gonna tell her?

Husband of the year 😂

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this