Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
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Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.