Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
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can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS