Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.