Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
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I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.