Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
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Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
dril cadence
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Never be a pizza!
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland