Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

moms in horror movies

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.