Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
You Might Also Like
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
There is no “ea” in Tim.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
this is me
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
so weird how every mom was born today
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Thursday Thought.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years