Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…