Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
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Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Perfect.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs