@envydatropic

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

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@bingowings14

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

@NapVeg

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

@TweetPotato314

me: hey siri who shot jfk

siri: lee harvey oswald

me: really, i thought it was the cia

siri: *whispers* turn alexa off

@TheCatWhisprer

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

@realHamOnWry

I don’t understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?

@GrampaSweater

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

@HeyoShellz

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

@TheTweetOfGod

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.