Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
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My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche