Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/D0b3OTjVsAAAdx6.mp4

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

Fluff me with a fork baby

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

same vibe as tangled headphones

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?