Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
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I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.