Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
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Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi