Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
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Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
i wish we could shoplift online
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!